The reason I reckon we made the right call, is that anecdotally, the younger the kids, the less of a deal it is. Let me offer a caveat, which is if you decide to come out, let it be for you - because you've decided that is what you need to do. Doing it or not doing it "for the sake of the kids" is not a good reason. Thanks very much for replying so promptly and for your words of wisdom. It sounds like you and your ex-wife have done a remarkable job explaining it all to your children. I am glad to hear that they have been so accepting.
My boys are very young 1 and 4 at the moment. So it won't mean anything to them for quite some time but it is still something I have thought a lot about. With the boys so young I can't bring myself to end my marriage right now. I really don't think my wife would cope on her own and neither would I. In the same sense I am also aware that it is unhealthy for us to remain together just because it is easier. When you split up with your wife how much time did you spend with the kids? Did you just seem them on weekends or how did you work that out?
Was your wife working at the time? Sorry to ask all these questions but I can't get my head around all the logistics of it if we split up. These things are certainly complicated! And I'll admit I didn't even think about these things when I came out. It was just what I had to do. When we first separated I stayed with friends for about 6 weeks while I found a place and stuff.
During this time, I went round for dinner most nights and helped tuck the kids in to bed. On one or two of the weekends I took the kids down to stay at my parents place in the country. Since then we have had a pretty stable routine. I had Friday off every second week, and on that week had the kids from Thursday night through to Monday morning. The other week I just had them Thursday night. But we also established a "date night" thing which is that once a fortnight one of the kids and one parent do a date night, which depending on age and circumstance might mean take-away pizza and a movie, or going out for burgers, or a documentary at IMAX or something.
So obviously, if my ex is out with one of the kids, I have the other two. This has been a really good thing for the kids, and various friends have copied the idea, even when both parents are still together. As I said, I didn't even really think about what would happen after. I just felt like it was the end of my life as I knew it. And kind of, it was.
But it was also the start of building a new life, one that is much better than I ever imagined. I understand about the difficulty of coping on one's own. Definitely the first year or so was very hard going. Still, I had my lovely bestie who I mentioned. He would come and have dinner with us, and help sooth the bumps through the bed-time routine, and listen while I unloaded on him.
My parents and my sisters had us over for dinner often even though my sisters still have some ambivalence about matters-gay, I think , and my ex wife had family and friends looking after her. Whenever you come out if you choose to do so , it will be hard, at least for a while. But as you say, staying is hard too. If you do come out, hopefully the difficulty and pain will represent the start of beating a path though to a happier place.
One view to consider is that the sooner you start, the sooner you will all be able to recover and build a new life. Not everyone manages it easily, for sure, and it can take some time to get to a good place, but most people seem to get there. I came close to telling my wife that I am gay last night but I couldn't do it. She was upset and saying she wasn't coping and isn't happy.
It wasn't the right time to spring this on her but when will be? I told her that I had been thinking about us separating because we have both been unhappy for a long time. She got really upset and said that won't help it will make things worse. I know she is scared of me not being there to help.
I really am stuck now. If I bring up my sexuality it's going to look like an excuse to leave and she won't believe me. I think timing is important, especially with kids involved. Your wife will grieve as will you and one of those stages of grief is anger. I think you've planted the seed right now. Her response has been the typical first stage of grief. I'm not saying don't follow who you really are - definitely not saying that. What I am saying is small steps because if you are to end your marriage it needs to be mostly amicable for the kid's sake and the for sake of your future relationship with them.
Consider your own emotional health, consider your wife's emotional health and I think play it by ear just like you have done. I told my wife that I think I'm gay last night. I was so nervous but she knew something was wrong and got it out of me. She thought I was having an affair with another woman. I told her she couldn't be more wrong. She didn't say a lot. I think she was shocked and saddened. She asked what does this mean for us? I told her I don't know at the moment.
And that is the truth. I have no idea what I am going to do. I'm seeing a counselor in 2 weeks and am hoping to start working it all out. I am confused and really worried how it will turn out. You did it, there is some relief in that. I think you are right to take your time, there is no knowing exactly where to go from here. It seems that both of you will need to do lots more talking.
Dr Tom's story is a good one. My ex went back to his wife after being with me, they are actually quite happy together, probably more so now she knows about him. It is definitely easier for the kids when they are talking and not fighting. I guess having watched a man I love figure all this out, I'd say the best thing is to think about what you want life to be like, talk to your wife about her view of the future too.
Hopefully you can find a way that works out for the best like Dr Tom or my ex have done. There is nothing wrong with being gay either. When you feel comfortable enough to share this with your family start slowly. Your family and friends may be shocked, feel grief and go through a process of denial. Some may deal betrayed.
My Straight Best Friend 2 - Aftermath (gay male)
BUT it is up to you to decide who, how and when and if to tell anyone else. You control this situation.
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- Prom Night: Making Out.
- The truth behind America’s most famous gay-hate murder.
I am 48 and came out recently. There were some people who took umbrage, but it was about me, not them. For my own mental health I decided come out. First to some gay friends. They helped me and were supportive. Then I told my brother and my girlfriend of 33 years. For most people it was business as usual. Find a gay counselling service who can provide better advice than I. Those that mind, don't matter. Those that matter, don't mind. I am happier now and honest. There is nothing wrong with you. You deserve to be happy. You are in control of who knows.
It's okay to feel the way you feel, in the same way as your friends and family have the right to their feelings too. That's a big and important step to take.
Good on you for being honest about it with your wife. It is a start. It may go smoothly, or it may be rough, but you're not stuck where you were any more. I have been thinking of you frequently, because I recognise so much of what you say. You are not alone in your experience. I am hopeful for your future, even if you can't see beyond the moment at this stage. My recollection of the immediate aftermath of coming out was a combination of grief, fear for the future and an immense relief that I could stop trying to be something that I just wasn't. I was fortunate to have a couple of close friends who were very caring, and my parents coped well with the shock did I mention I came out to them by email?
I'm always happy to answer questions, and share anything of my experience that might be helpful to you. You're on a complicated road, and there will be all sorts of challenges, but also good things too. Do you have a good GP? You might want to talk to your GP too. If you don't have one you feel comfortable with for this period, there are several practices that cater for LGBTI people and families. You might not consider yourself gay, and that's fine, but a GP who knows the territory might be a sympathetic ear who can help you. Thankyou for adding your support for Steven, I appreciate you sharing your story, helps me too.
By the look of your profile photo much has changed over the last few years, it's got me interested, I'd welcome hearing more. Wow what a horrible two days it has been. There has been lots of crying and questions from my wife. And some crying from me too. Yesterday we both felt sick to our stomach and couldn't eat. I felt like I wanted to be sick all day.
It's nerves and worry. My wife is disgusted by men having sex together and said she doesn't want me looking at porn or thinking about men anymore if we are to save our marriage. She wants a guarantee from me. I told her I can't guarantee anything at this stage. She seems to think it's just a sexual fantasy of mine and I'm not gay because I don't fit the mould. She is going by the stereotype of gay men being feminine and into cross dressing etc. I told her just because I'm not into that stuff doesn't mean I'm not gay. It is confusing though because I'm not sure I want a relationship with a man but I do want the sex side.
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I have to either try dating you and see if it works or not be your friend at all. There are so few people you really connect with in this world. At least now you know and you can start to move on. You can push your life forward. Again, I know this sounds selfish but the alternative feels worse. I was hanging out with this guy awhile ago and started to develop a huge crush on him. Oh my gosh, he was just so cute and funny and smart! Then, just as we were starting to get to know each other, he tells me that he has a boyfriend.
I had a crush on him the second we met.
Historical Gay Romance Novels
I wanted to date him! Why would I want to settle for anything less? I had to cut it off for the sake of my own emotional well-being. If you find yourself in this unfortunate situation of falling for a close friend, my advice is to always just tell them. In order for anything good to happen in your life, you have to be the one to propel it forward. You have to take care of yourself and not worry so much about what other people will say or think.
You know what happens to people who never took chances or were always frozen in fear? They become a cat lady with a Xanax prescription. The cover and theme for my newest book was inspired by the concept of kintsugi. All that is dark or cracked within us has the capacity to be fixed, to be filled with light.
We are never broken. We are always becoming. What if you could live a life that would make YOU jealous? Open a page to start your day, frame a page that inspires you to keep living, share a page with a friend who needs support, or leave one behind for a complete stranger to brighten their day.
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- contemporary Gay Romance Novels.
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I actually expected to read otherwise. Since I lost my bestfriend when we tried to get along as a couple. If only we could all be so courageous. In other words, my sentiments exactly. It takes balls, but by george, go for it. What a sad, reductive way to look at relationships. Yes, you want to be close or even best friends with whomever you choose to partner.
In my case, I went for it. Destroyed the friendship completely and made showing up to work a nearly unbearable experience for months. My advice in this kind of situation? Never, ever fall for anyone you work with.
The truth behind America’s most famous gay-hate murder | World news | The Guardian
If you do, keep it to yourself. Do whatever you have to to get over it. The chance of a happy end in the close-work-friend scenario is almost zero. It is a bitter pill to swallow, but far less bitter than the alternative of seeing them every day and never being able to get away from the reminder. Speaking from my own experience, I was on the receiving end of this.
A good friend confessed to having feelings for me.
Related My Straight Best Friend 2 - Aftermath (gay male)
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